Finding Bigfoot: Season Six, Episode Three, “The Secret Squatch Spot”

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FINDING BIGFOOT EPISODE THREE YA’LL!

This episode is called “The Secret Squatch Spot” which absolutely sounds like what the older boys in my neighborhood called the area behind the electrical box/near the woods where they would take their girlfriends. But apparently it is the state of South Carolina.

I guess South Carolina is not really “on the map” of bigfootdom. This surprises me, because: 1) I imagine it is warm there¹, and 2) I imagine it as being located in the American South. And if there is one thing that I associate with high summer temperatures, and the American South, it’s hillbillies experiencing visual hallucinations of large imaginary animals.²

Bobo does too, and he tells us that two of his relatives, “crazy Frank and Jerry,” reside in the Palmetto State. And so does his heart! He enthusiastically states: “Win-win coming to South Carolina. I love bigfoot, I love hillbillies. Not sure I’m gonna run into bigfoot… but I know I’m gonna find me some hillbillies.”

His hesitation about encountering sasquatch is well founded, for very seldom do bigfoot reports emanate from South Carolina. As the episode begins, the question hangs above Matthew Moneymaker: are there no bigfoots residing in S.C. (despite, as Bobo points out, their notable presence in North Carolina, Georgia, Florida, and elsewhere in the South)? Or are there simply not enough bigfoot trackers to discover them?ᶾ

The question is soon answered (for everyone besides Ranae) at the very first location the team visits: the site of a some snowy footprints documented on video a few years previous. The prints, filmed by a man named Grim, are 84” apart (the homeowner uses a measuring tape in the recording) and arrayed in a straight line (which Cliff says is typical of sasquatch prints). Furthermore, the snow around them appears undisturbed (ruling out an obvious hoax), and Grim, who is actually pretty convincing, correctly observes, “You can’t jump in the snow like that without something being disturbed other than the footprints.” Bobo— who is uncharacteristically perceptive throughout the episode, to the point that it makes me wonder whether producers intentionally monkey⁴ with footage to render him a more convincing buffoon— concludes: “These tracks aren’t going to convince a skeptic that bigfoots are real. But for someone who knows bigfoots are real, and seeing that and knowing what bigfoot tracks look like? That convinces me that they are here in South Carolina.”

Had I the faith of Bobo— in cryptids? In life? In myself?— there would be nary a mountain I could not move.

Anyway, the teams opts to do a night investigation in the area. Cliff says it is much better weather for sasquatch than what was seen in the snowy home video (though maybe it is worth mentioning that they are all still wearing winter coats, and 100% of the world’s known ape species reside in tropical climates… but never you mind!) Ranae and Cliff run across a bunch of corn on the ground, which Ranae points out is likely the result of hunters baiting deer into a clearing, and which Cliff says “must also be good for squatches,” because OBVIOUSLY. Then Matt does a field call and Cliff and Ranae hear responses. Everyone waits. Matt says “That could be one of the bold bigfoot that we are looking for,” but no more is heard.

No more, that is, until the town hall, when a lot of folks from the backwoods raise work-weathered hands into the air to offer up firsthand reports of…

Sigh.

Okay, you guys.

Look: I get it.

Reading exhaustive, moment-by-moment recaps of Finding Bigfoot episodes is maybe not the most thrilling thing on the entire internet. It’s probably not even in the Top 10 for you, to be honest. And I know it doesn’t help when these things spill over into 1,000 or 1,500-word dissertations about a show you had no intention of ever watching in the first place.

Obviously, if I am going to hold anyone’s attention with this crap, I need to spice things up. Or at least speed them up.

So, in that expeditious spirit, I present the remainder of Finding Bigfoot, season six, episode three, “The Secret Squatch Spot,” in three-word sentences. Staccato-like, like jazz, or poetry, or poetry set to jazz, or something. Ahem:

Town hall meeting. Guy named Chris. Bobo, Ranae visit. Guy delivers papers. Guy saw squatch. Bobo actually skeptical. Chris shows place. Bobo walks over. Chris says “stop.” 60 yards away. Chris says “there.” Eight feet tall. Bobo is convinced. Ranae not sure. Bobo cracks joke.

Matt goes solo. Cold at night. Hears a knock. Says “oh boy.” Matt is excited. Makes pooping face. Matt all alone. Matt kinda primal. “Show some fur.” Matt hears nothing.

Cliff, Bobo, Ranae. Man in jeep. Really lame sighting. Football field away. Ranae is frustrated. Calls it guesswork. Cliff is convinced. Cliff is idiot.

Cliff, Bobo, Ranae. Three meet Scientist. Cliff talks squatch. Ranae talks science. Scientist talks science. Points to map. Shows blackbear locations. Same as sasquatch. Cliff thinks “proof.” Scientist cracks joke. Cliff is serious. Cliff still idiot.

Final night investigation. Riding in buggies. Cliff and Matt. Bobo and Ranae. Matt’s hair down. Matt: “frisky squatches.” Into the swamps. Lots of activity. Ranae having fun. Bobo climbs tree. Nothing on thermals. Matt makes howl. Hears distant responses. Cliff: “uncooperative species.” Bobo’s adrenaline pumping. Ranae seems thrilled. Everyone is excited. We heard squatch.” Matt 100% sure. South Carolina squatchy. End of episode.

Not bad episode. Love smart Bobo. Love thrilled Ranae. Love Matt’s hair.

…Cliff still idiot.


 

¹Don’t let my “I imagine” fool you; I currently reside in North Carolina— which, like the Dakotas, is the same exact thing as living in South Carolina.

²Don’t let the occasional whiff of snobbery fool you: I am a massive fan of bigfoot. I think about bigfoot most of the day, I have the bumper sticker, I buy the t-shirts, and I look for him in the woods as I drive down the highway. In fact, as I am writing this, I am warmly enfolded in an official Finding Bigfoot fleece blanket.

ᶾWill there ever be enough?

⁴Pun intended.

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About Author

John Mike Patrick used to be funny on Twitter but now he’s just sort of winsome in real life. He likes the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He will probably write three or four posts and you will stumble across them in the year 2017.

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